Psychology behind Why we LIKE the people we do

Disclaimer:  Despite the lofty title, this article contains the ramblings of an amateur Psychology Enthusiast . Hence please discount those portions of nonsense which might  be unacceptable to you J

 

I woke up this morning with a simple and interesting (to me) question: Why do we like the people we do?

Now,  while I brushed my teeth, there was a swirl of ideas floating in my head:

A)     Is it because of their physical appearance? Could we take refuge in the Freudian concept that due to the similarity of their appearance or mannerisms to our primary (parents, favorite nanny or relatives) or secondary care givers (favorite teachers), that we might be pre disposed to liking them?
B)      Is it a happy coincidence that their attributes (profession/likes/dislikes/activities) coincide with ours? Do we like people because they are more like us?

By the time I was having my masala tea, I was mentally making a note of all the people I like and why I like them.

Immediate family, could not be considered as part of this sample study as , I can hardly term what I feel towards them as ‘like’ but a much stronger emotion.

Secondly, as I was genetically  predisposed to like them, they had to be eliminated from my sample group. Now, I do understand that this study is very subjective as I am sure many (including you) might have different reasoning based on how our brains are wired J

Then, while I mentally reviewed each of my friends in my favorites list, here were a few shocking observations, starting with the most inane:

A)     Irrespective of their gender, I am drawn to people with a warm smile. Rather than the perfect ‘tooth paste commericial’esque smile, I am drawn more by the crooked/lopsided grins, the toothy grins and even more the slightly shy smiles. Madhavan’s smile deserves a special mention here and in the same vein, let me mention my best friend Simmi’s Brahmi-esqe smile, to Vishal’s throaty chuckle.

B)      Secondly, I think we tend to like people who really like what they do in life – fantastic home makers, artists, dhobi, IT professionals, marketing professionals. I enjoy asking them about what they do and how much they have enjoyed themselves. My friend Bhavi, is a home maker and cook par excellence who can put any professional interior decorator to shame.

C)      Does the Magnetism related axiom we learnt in Physics “Opposites Attract” hold true in this regard? Hmmm...  I tend to be drawn to people who are  intelligent, calm & interesting types. So maybe it is true J

D)     Break Even & Cost Benefit Analysis: I dont mean to sound cold or unfeeling here. But here is an interesting thought. Let us take this example:  May be even when a friendship blossoms between 2 garrulous people, one of them subconsciously takes the role of a listener. So maybe subjective transformation of our attributes to adapt to a person we like has a more selfish connotation than the virtues it is usually ascribed. Havent we been taught since childhood  (especially if you are a girl from a conservative south indian upbringing) that flexibility and willingness to adjust is a virtue to be cultivated? Now, let me elaborate on this- us being social animals, reach out for interaction with like-minded or like natured individuals.  There might be a Pareto’s Rule involved here, since we like ,say, 80% of their attributes, we do not mind modifying our dislike/disinterest w.r.t their un-interesting attributes, which form the remaining 20%. And this adaptation might not be the ‘selfless virtue’ that it is made out to be, but in fact, something which our sub conscious has evaluated taking the pros and the cons. Maybe the subconscious, automatically does an evaluation of whether the other individual is worthy of ‘liking’ and whether the discomfort that the delta modification in our behavior or interests  entails, shall be compensated by the pleasure of their friendship/ camraderie.

E)      Hobbies/ Interests: I think we like people who are interested in other things in life than just earning a livelihood. Hobbies - interests -what they actually enjoy doing in their ‘Me’ Time. I enjoy listening to people who love photography, read books, take up singing, pottery, baking, dancing, trekking, gymming, swimming, sports (My brother , Vijay Aluri, deserves a special mention here J I forgot- family is not a part of this sample study).

F)    Humor: Manasa Kedari deserves a special mention for her ability to recall thousands of Brahmi related jokes at exactly the right situation. I guess, we all like those who can make us laugh so hard that your tummy hurts.

G)      Last but not the least, I think I am drawn to people who think differently. I think those people who have the courage to think differently & who are willing to add fresh perspective to any topic with their point of view (those influenced by Edward De Bono’s Lateral thinking J ?) are those that I usually like. I think, it is to those people, that my hands itch to call, whenever anything new happens - Bal Thakerays Death related facebook fiasco - etc etc

 

PS: I am writing this blog while I am in a train which is delayed by more than an hour.

Please do let me know what you think about this topic.

As always, Thanks for reading ,

Sirisha Aluri

PS: Picture borrowed from harpyness.com.